Mea Culpa
by This Girl Maybe
Summary: It was the anniversary of Elizabeth's death, the day she had put an end to her life. And three decades later, his grief had not lessened. Neither had his love - - - Addition to "The Girl That Wasn't" series - Jacob & Mark based story.
1. Mea Culpa

**Mea Culpa**

Summary: It was the anniversary of Elizabeth's death, the day she had put an end to her life. And three decades later, his grief had not lessened. Neither had his love - - - Addition to "The Girl That Wasn't" series - Jacob & Mark based story.

x x x x

**Mea Culpa: **Latin me, _through my fault_ : me,ablative of culpa, _fault_. An acknowledgment of a personal error or fault

x x x x

The coffee sat steaming on the table as he stared into the middle distance, his eyes glazing over as he watched his only daughter play with her child, causing the little girl to laugh and giggle as her mother invented a game using the several hundred soft toys that Annie had amassed. They sat on the other side of the front room, unaware of Jacob's gaze upon them. In the corner of his eye, he saw his grandson toddle towards his father, tugging on his chinos and asking why grandpa looked so "sad" sitting on the couch wordlessly. Jack picked up his son in his arms and attempted to explain out of Jacob's earshot, and upon the movement Sam looked round to her father, tears springing in her eyes. Evidently her diversionary tactic was not as successful as she'd hoped, but Jacob knew it was to be expected.

It was the anniversary of Elizabeth's death, the day she had put an end to her life. And three decades later, his grief had not lessened. Neither had his love. He thought of her every day as he came face to face with pure evil, wishing that she could smile again for him or that they could sit in front of the television and debate the merits of various Fifties sitcoms. Most of all though, he wanted to stop her. He wanted to hug his little princess, and tell her to live. For herself, for him, for her mother. Somedays though he wondered if it would have even made a difference.

They were meeting Mark at her grave the next day, minus Jack and Mark's wife Therese, both who would be looking after the children, tucked away somewhere warm and far away from their parents pain. That morning Teal'c, Daniel and Janet had come round, each offering quiet condolences and Teal'c informed his "little sister" that he'd performed a traditional Jaffa remembrance ceremony for Elizabeth, one specifically for beloved members of the family. Sam had smiled gratefully, wrapping her arms around the man, and weeped quietly in his embrace. He watched as his daughter began to deal with the grief that had haunted her life for so long, and Jacob sat back with a tear in your eye, knowing that for him that time would never arise.

Jack re-entered the room without Jake, and Jacob presumed that his youngest grandchild was sleeping, having been exhausted by his "aunt" and "uncles", much to the relief of Sam, who'd evidently been too overwhelmed to care for her children on that day. Jack sat next to him on the couch, as he swirled the now cooling coffee in its mug, decorated with daisies and sheep; he'd been given it as a gift by Annie months ago, much to his daughter and son-in-law's amusement, "How you doing?"

It was a loaded question, and Jack knew it, therefore he must have been expecting a less than coherent or sensible reply. This was the man who had lost his own son only a decade ago, and whose only reason to lead the Abydos mission was because it was expected to lead to death, "I miss her," He replied, his voice unexpectedly gravelly, "I miss Marie and I miss my little girl."

Evidently he had nothing to say, until his voice started after a period of silence"We're both lucky guys," He began, "We've both got a second chance," Jack gestured towards Sam and Annie who was currently wriggling on the floor underneath her mother's tickling hands, squealing occasionally with laughter, her joy only matched by the expression on Sam's face, "I never thought I could be this happy after...." He paused, his eyes darkening before regaining control, "I never thought I could feel this after Charlie died. We both have second chances to live for who we lost."

Jacob stared into the coffee, having long lost its appeal, "I know I can live my life, and fight the good fight Jack, but Marie was what made it worth living. Lizzie and the kids gave me a reason to open my eyes in the morning when it would have been easier not to. And I hope that's what my daughter and grandkids do for you..." He looked over again at Annie whose blonde hair and blue eyes gave her the spitting image of her mother, "And maybe I can find someone else to share my life with, but it'll always be less. Always."

Jack rested his elbows on his knees, sighing quietly enough so as not to alert Sam's attention, "I know you've been dealing with your loss a lot longer than I have with mine..."

"Exactly," Jacob replied, "And I'll live out the rest of my days loving Sam and Mark and the kids, but that won't stop me looking forward to the time when I finally get to see Marie again and hold Lizzie in my arms," He paused, the depth of his words temporarily shocking even himself, "I've never talked like this about either of them before. Not even with my therapist."

"You had a therapist?" Jack questioned, evidently surprised.

His father in law nodded solemnly, "I never told Mark or Sam; they had their own counsellors to fend off at high school. The Air Force thought I might need some help dealing with losing Lizzie in....that way," He paused, "Apparently relatives of an adolescent lost to suicide often indulge in similar behaviour," Jacob shook his head, "I guess they just wanted to make sure my head was in order."

"I'm surprised you took it," Jack said, "They tried the same thing with me although I was probably less receptive than you."

"I didn't take it. I resisted for a long time," Jacob replied, "After a while I realised that despite my protestations I really did need someone to talk to; I'd lost my wife because of my actions, and my daughter too," He saw Jack frown in confusion at his words, "Let's just say I spent many, many years living with a guilt complex."

"You thought it was your fault," He said matter-of-factly and Jacob realised that unfortunately, they had too much in common in that aspect of their lives.

"It took some desperate soul searching..." He gestured towards his daughter, "....and Sam to make me realise that I wasn't to blame. But there'll always be that niggling voice in my head saying I could have done something."

_Could have picked Marie up. Could have been a better husband. Could have been a better father. Could have told her what she meant to me. Could have stopped her._

"Never forget to tell her every day how much you love her," Jacob nodded to Sam whose eyes at that moment darted towards them, a soft smile appearing on her face upon seeing the pair together, "'Cause one day it'll be the last time."

Jacob rose from the couch at that moment, leaving Jack to move to his wife and daughter, hanging his arm over her shoulder in what looked like a casual interaction but to Jacob's eyes seemed as though he was taking his last words to heart. Drifting out of the front room, he climbed the stairs to the guest room where spartan belongings littered the bed, a few magazines he'd picked up from the 7-11 dumped on the side table. As he walked further into the room, he smiled at the new addition on the bedside cabinet; a family photo taken before Marie died; the blonde haired Carter family trying to pose for an Air Force photo and failing completely, each laughing and fussing with their starchy clothes.

And the newest arrival was a pink piece of paper with a two blobs in the middle of yellow paint, one with a red skirt and the other with what looked like grey hair. In awkward writing, he read _Grandpa! Happy Birthday, Love Annie and Jake_ and crosses and hearts filled the page. On the back was Sam's formal handwriting _Dad, this is a picture of you and Lizzie which the kids saw from an old photo. Annie says Lizzie lives with the angels now, sitting on a cloud with grandma. We all love you Dad, and I'll always be here for you. Samantha._

He wouldn't forgive himself, but it was moments like that which kept him alive.

**Continued with "I Stared At The Sun"**


	2. I Stared At The Sun

**I Stared At The Sun**

Summary: Mark perspective in "The Girl That Wasn't" series.

x x x x x x x x x

_"I hate the world today..."_

**Meredith Brooks**

x x x x x x x x x

He has one resounding memory of his sister, one moment that he will never forget for as long as he lives. It had been a few days after her fourteenth birthday, and she'd begun to get excited and nervous about high school that she would be starting the next day. Their father had promised a special dinner to mark the occasion of his little girl growing up into a young woman, but he'd inevitably been held up at the base, and Mark had muttered "typical" under his breath upon which Sam nudged him, and glared meaningfully. As much as they were distant from their father, Lizzie still adored him and Sam was loathed to shatter her illusions.

In the end, they had all cooked together in the large kitchen that their suburban house possessed. When Sam remarked that they were missing a plate, Mark volunteered to search the house for said kitchenware. He'd found it underneath his own bed, rapidly turning into one of his sister's science projects. Shame faced, he walked down the stairs to hear the tones of Aretha Franklin booming around the kitchen.

_"What you want, baby, I got it"_

He smiled at hearing the music that his mother had indulged in, and realised that Sam and Lizzie must have decided to raid their parents LP collection. Turning the corner he grinned at the sight of his two sisters singing alternate lines of the song, using a whisk as their microphone and miming perfectly to Aretha's voice, having learnt the lyrics in their childhood.

_"What you need, baby, you know I got it"_

Mark had almost doubled over laughing at Lizzie prancing round the kitchen, whisk at her mouth singing to the song whilst Sam danced with the rhythm, and for someone who claimed a lack of any talent, she was doing pretty well at it.

_"All I'm asking is for a little respect, yeah baby"_

They sang the next line together, dancing back to back and then turning round to face each other, both with beaming smiles and a complete lack of embarrassment. Mark had then decided to make himself known.

"Never knew my two little sisters had such musical talent," He had smirked, entering the kitchen and Lizzie dashed to turn the music down to a more appropriate level. Sam theatrically bowed at his compliment and Elizabeth just blushed profusely; even with family she'd been afraid of showing off, maintaining her shy attitude even around he and Sam. He indicated towards the plate in his hand, "Found it by the way."

"Mark!" Sam cringed as she saw the mould on the plate, grabbing it from his grasp"How long have you been keeping that?" She sunk the plate into the warm water in the sink.

"Knowing Mark I'd say a couple of years..." Lizzie offered before avoiding his playful swipe.

They had spent the night eating around the television, playing jokes on each other and ridiculing the television presenters that littered the programming. If only every night could have been like that with his sisters, with his family. Most nights they spent apart; Sam in her bedroom studying, he out partying with Therese and Lizzie and their father downstairs trying to maintain a facade of normality. That shouldn't have been life. For her. For any of them.

"Looks the same doesn't it?" His sister's voice came from behind him and he saw her shadow approaching. He nodded wordlessly to her question as he stared up at the house with a mixture of fond remembrance and hate. His sister had died here, had spent her last moments contemplating life, and had decided to end it. Yet she had also spent hours laughing here, smiling with the innnocence of youth. He could almost see her sitting on the rickety swing hanging off the elm tree, despite being removed after twenty odd years and several owners.

"I wish..." He paused, "I wish she'd have waited." To an outside observer it would have seemed the strangest thing to say. Shouldn't he have wanted to stop her? But then, a stranger to Lizzie wouldn't have experienced her stubborness and the futility in attemtping to change her mind. Despite being an extreme introvert, she did share one trait with the rest of the Carter family; the inability to change her mind. Neither Sam nor Mark were so naive as to think that they could have changed Lizzie's mind "So I could have just said goodbye."

He heard Sam sigh, "I don't think there would ever be enough goodbyes..." She mused, sidling next to him and threading her arm through his as they stood, looking at the house with its dark windows and boarded up door, "I could never have let her go."

Mark wordlessly agreed with her, "Is Dad OK?"

He heard Sam breathe deeply, "As well as can be expected. You and the kids should come back to Colorado." She paused, leaning her head on his shoulder in a gesture reminscent of their childhood, "He'd love to see you. Especially now."

"Maybe," Mark replied, erring more towards visiting his sister than not. At that time, only she and their father could understand what they felt, "Katie's been talking about seeing Annie and Jake for days."

He could imagine Sam slightly smiling at that, "Annie can't wait to play with her big cousin."

Silence overtook the pair as they lost themselvs in memories, of times they had spent together and apart, all the while wishing for their mother and sister to be home, "Doesn't ever get better, does it?"

Mark shook his head. He missed his mother and his sister as much now as he had during those dark months of loneliness. The loss had almost got worse with the passing of the years, every day a moment that his mom could not watch her grandchildren and another moment that Elizabeth would not be able to achieve her dreams, "No, it doesn't" He replied simply. Mark just hoped that his own children would never have to suffer the grief of death so early as himself and his sisters.

And as the minutes passed, Sam retreated to her car and the loving arms of her husband but Mark stood out in the road for a few more seconds, staring up into the dim sun on the cloudly day in Ohio. There would always be a part of his sister in his heart; she was candy canes and snowflakes and the one person that kept him believing in innocence. And he ould always remember his mother from a time when he didn't care about being a "mommy's boy" and wrapped his arms around her waist and she would laugh, sitting him on the counter and made him and his sisters cookies.

As he looked up to the sun, he remembered it all.

**The End**


End file.
